I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
