My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
