So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
