I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
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