I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
