11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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