omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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