this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
