I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
