I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
