Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
