I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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