wakey wakey hands off snakey
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Randomize
