now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
