I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
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