and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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