I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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