blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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