She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
