I wish I could teleport
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
