I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
