I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
