I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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