It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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