I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
third nipple confirmed
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
