My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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