Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
