Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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