Whatcha textin bout Willis?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Randomize