Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
