The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
