You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
now i know why i became what i already was.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
pray to the hookup gods
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
