i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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