Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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