hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
