Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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