Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
