haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Randomize
