that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
