just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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