Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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