i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Randomize
