I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
