I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
