She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
