Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
