Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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