I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I want to be your penis for a week.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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