dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
