I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
