yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
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