Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
