Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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