Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
