Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
