three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
