I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
